it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
