I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Randomize