If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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