i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
