A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
