your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
