you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
