just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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