70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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