i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
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