The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
