I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
So squirting runs in the family.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Randomize
