don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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