Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
