Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
