mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
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So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
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I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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