If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
