She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
