im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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