We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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