So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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