I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
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I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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