he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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