I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
me + whiskey = a bad person
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
