I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
