I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Someone came in the potted fern
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
