I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
