Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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