remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
