just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Randomize
