I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
