i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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