My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Randomize
