Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
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