How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
