I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Come see our sink grown plant.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
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