if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
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After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
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Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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