Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
