i need an iv and a liver transplant
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
