just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
