So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
