Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
