He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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