At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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