i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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