I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
