Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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