it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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