The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You can't just leave with hair like that
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
There's even glitter on my cock...
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