I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
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