This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
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