Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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