I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
I feel like death gave me a hand job
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
