according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
