I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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