420 ftw
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
