Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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